Demystifying Parent Child bond

Author Rekha Gupta

There is only one pretty child in the world, and that every parent has!😋

From the time a mother conceives,the parents’ life starts to revolve around the “to be born baby”, the euphoria then planning from baby’s name, to school, to the profession, almost about everything chosen and decided by the parents. Preparing and dreaming of the baby’s arrival, their own dreams are now on hold as their baby’s dreams are their own and the top priority. This is one phenomenon common to all parents all over the world. And when they first hold their baby ,that feeling is ineffable ! So much happens within, that it is inexplicable or if I have to , then let me say the baby is a miracle, who is the whole world to the parents. Love all around fills the lives of the baby and the parents.!

It’s strange that when the child is a toddler and is exploring his environment, starts asking questions on everything that he observes, a parent tirelessly answers all questions, however silly they are – in fact they feel rather proud and intrigued and admire the child’s natural inquistiviness to learn. The enthusiasm takes a downward turn once the child’s personality begins taking shape, he secretly is developing his opinion and sense of judgement based on his experiences, and as he turns into a confident and maybe a confused teenager as he doesnt have answers to most of the things he is observing , parents tend to become a little distant – without answering, without removing his doubts { remember its best that the child gets all his answers from parents however discomforting or embarrassing the questions may be} parent reacts differently now, simply expecting the child to just obey, no matter what, creating further confusion and pain for the child. This according to me is the most crucial point in any parent-child relationship. And when you are exasperated you finally say this is ‘Generation Gap’,! Whereas some parents decide to become friends of their teen kids .C@RG

The point to ruminate on here , is that the child’s questions have always been the same , so why have parents either stopped answering or being evasive – expecting kids to understand the parents silence as well ,all the time. This, my friends is not Generation Gap, it is COMMUNICATION GAP. In this gap, both parent and child unknowingly have created distance and maybe over the years a hidden pain. Parents underestimate the child’s “being”. In their head they do not treat a child as an equal adult (for whatever reasons) but mind you the child is becoming an adult faster than you think. You ‘believe‘ you know better for your child, maybe yes, but you have to respect that he is turning into an own being. This feeling of continuing to treat a kid like kid makes the parents want the child to OBEY, or simply listen to them all the time, which covertly and indirectly is means to ‘CONTROL’ .

Please answer these questions honestly to yourself ?

When a child makes a mistake, like a secret night out with friends or- failing in an exam;/or doing any teen stuff – Do you react with shock /disappointment /anger /simple hurt?

Are you worried for his career? : In the name of guidance, are you secretly wanting him/her to pursue what “you” think is good for the child?C@Rg

Have you planned his/her entire life in your head? Including choice of spouse?

Have you set some expectations? however little or major? Live with us, live separately, involve us in life decisions, give us a part of income etc etc?

Well, if you have answered yes to even one, you are treading on a very dangerous & narrow path here. I am not an expert on parenting because like you all, I too am learning along the journey to be the best parent but we also need to accept that everyone’s life is his or hers. They have the right to make choices for themselves, live life their way. You have to remember, unknown to you, the child’s life is already saddled with pressures and anxieties at his level. You as parents are adding or passing on your pressures and anxieties too? Now is that a fair deal? Treating them as kids or feeling over protective about them is also an excuse to continue controlling them. Yes that is the bitter truth and it is time that all parents face it. Parents who love unconditionally are meant to do so ALWAYS. They should stop fooling themselves that hey are doing so for the kid’s good. They are actually NOT ,Please deeply think about this. Let us read on more to understand better

According to you, his grades arent as good as should be, although we all know only one child can come 1st in a class , so when energy of love was required to raise his self esteem ,Then comparison with a sibling or his friends are inevitable, which is an indirect way of saying that he is inferior to others and unknowingly you have taught him to be jealous of his friends. Instead of motivating the child, the parents are unknowingly depleting his energy further, this is dis-empowerment, that too by parents!C@RG

Every statement made by parents, the child starts to create a SELF IMAGE and over the years, it will become a belief and he will grow up to be all this and more, that the parent has been telling ,bad or good. Now its upto the parents to decide . The power of words and thoughts we all, very well know by now.

Imagine this scenario : When you tell the child ‘you are wrong’,you need to separate the action from the doer. Do not blame the child but his actions instead. By blaming the child you have rejected and distanced him further. Now on the other hand his friends never tell him that he is wrong. BIG RISK for the parents as the child thinks his wrong action is right now.. Parents need to convey properly that its his actions that are wrong , not the child as wrong. That differentiation is always of pertinence. If he gets COMPLETE ACCEPTANCE from the parents then he will never change his right to wrong. We say we are our children friends- but do you feel and behave like one? Are you really with the child on an equal footing or plane or do you think one is superior than the other.? Think

The most damaging of all, are those innocous ,threats or ultimatums in a condescending tone that we give to our children like ”we give you another chance” . What is the point of this? Do you really think this is going to be effective? Have you realized its a negative energy of distrust radiated by the parent already. How can the effect be positive?

Also promises made under duress can never be fulfilled.

ANGER ONLY PUNISHES….

Anger, resentment, non-acceptance, doubt, judgemental, critical are negative depleting and opposite energies to the positive, empowering energies of love, faith, acceptance and respect. The parent, despite being more experienced and wishing his child A world of happiness, UNKNOWINGLY is sending wrong energy to his child which he ends up consuming thereby becoming weak day by day.C@Rg

Talking should be only that…excess of talking and repetitions become Preaching /lecturing & that will never help as at this stage as the child is in confusion & pained ,guilt and too weak to understand anything which further irks the parents who misunderstand it as DISOBEDIENCE.

The child silently cries out ”LOVE ME the MOST when I DESERVE it the LEAST”.

The bigger the mistake, the more the love required to first empower and heal the child. If that time, the parent is calm and positive, the child is reassured of parent acceptance which creates self respect thus automatically heals the child to a rational state .

When one FEELS LOVE, ONE CAN NOT FEEL ANGER or any other negative emotion. Similarly when one is angry then love is not felt for that duration, then how can a parent be angry or remain angry THUS BLOCKING ENERGY OF LOVE for the child you love the most.

LOVE HEALS…. magically. Parents love is unconditional- Yes,we all know that but it is incomplete if it is not accompanied with unconditional respect, unconditional acceptance and unconditional faith in the CHOICES that your child makes. And so what if he falters or makes mistakes-Are you going to make a perfect life for him ? C@Rg

If the child has the assurance of your unconditional support then that will help lift him in no time again but the child will have the satisfaction of being given the freedom to decide for himself and trust me the bond will be firmer than ever before. Please remember always , it is the parents constant affirmation ,applause and love is all that is the most important need of a child.

When the child’s chosen path or journey is in accordance and consonance with you, then everything is hunky dory and feelings to love comes naturally. It is troubled times that actually is a TESTING TIME for parents to still be able to love, to accept and then reassure the child that its okay to make mistakes as ‘we parents too make mistakes all the time’.

Now when we take a trip down memory lane ,the mistakes we made ,we share with our children as real stories to learn from and together we have a hearty laugh. So its okay if they are making mistakes as they too need real stories of their own to share with their children .So please Relax , nothing else is of significance but every moment spent with your child is a Blessing.

It is hence wise to save the most loving bond before it gets distanced to a ‘no return’ point. Time to have the same patience in listening and answering him, Time to understand, to trust your child implicitly, for him to return and confide in you again about just anything. Maybe the worst thing that a parent could imagine, without the fear of rejection or non-acceptance. Time to uplift him ,to heal him emotionally first, then to tell him that he is right from his perspective as you understand all kids are doing it and he is neither the first one nor the only one to do it and the minute the parent says you are right, the child knows he is loved and accepted like before, this empowerment will heal him and now he too is ready to understand the parents’ perspective. Accept your child for who he is, instead of trying to make him a replica of yours.C@Rg

Problems are natural,a part of life’s journey so accept them. Likewise naturally every problem has a solution too. Instead of focusing on the problem as to why, how, what happened, and wasting that much time , get together with your child. Shift focus towards the solution because its imperative for the child to be a part of the brain storming because the child has to implement the solution and the enormous satisfaction that its his choice too is immense. Try to talk about all the possible solutions because the more you discuss the solution ,the sooner you will arrive at it. and it never should be who is right but WHAT is the right solution. When trying to find a solution ,there is no parent or child bar, no age bar, no experience bar, only many brains together to reach a consensus . And in the end ,the final decision should always be the child’s for he alone has to traverse the path he chooses and he alone has to face the consequences of his choice. C@Rg

Do you reminisce any problems of yesteryears? NO ,even if you do it brings a smile on your face as to how commendably you faced it thereby emerging a much stronger, wiser person .Similarly tomorrow when you will look back, this problem will seem so trivial and insignificant ,so then why not treat it as trivial today too and not let it create unnecessary friction between you and your child.C@Rg

If at the time of the birth of a child ,the parents’ feelings are same and universal, why not let that same universal feeling persist throughout the raising of a child ?

It is not important to find the best path for the child but important is to empower him so much that he can cross any hurdle with ease on the path he chooses in his journey .No matter what may happen but the reassurance of your love not letting him fall will be his strength for his lifetime.

Time to repeatedly tell how much you love him/her and your child is the world to you.

Children emulate their parents , so start by being , all that you want the child to become.

What you say will change his future, if you say, you believe in him and his capabilities to become his best, then he will become his best,such is the power of faith and love. C@Rg

As parents we do not have to be the chain that shackles the kid but we need to be the wings that give him freedom.

Remember that each moment we make deposits in the memory banks of our children . What to deposit ? The choice is entirely ours.

Author Rekha Gupta