As a die-hard fan of the James Bond films, it truly pains me to write about one of the worst entries in the series, 2002’s “Die Another Day.” A movie I pad to see not once, not twice but three times in theatres. As this is one movie with a bit of everything, this is a long post, so please bear with me.
“Die Another Day” was the 20th official Bond film, and its release celebrated the 40th anniversary of the film series. I think the movie fails in part because the screenwriters threw in as many references to earlier Bond films as they possibly could. I don’t know if they were forced to, or if it was their idea. Either way, an edit of the screenplay would have been most welcomed.
Anywho, “Die Another Day” opens with Bond entering North Korea to meet Colonel Moon, a rogue North Korean army colonel who deals in “African Conflict Diamonds.” A nod to “Diamonds are Forever”? Perhaps. Everything was going Bond’s way, until Moon’s henchman, Zao (Rick Yune) receives a text revealing Bond’s true identity.
James Bond is about to be executed, luckily on his way to North Korea he lined his briefcase with explosives, (think “From Russia with Love”). Bond sets off the bomb, impaling a bunch of diamonds in Zao’s face. A chase scene involving hover crafts in a mine field follows, and the sequence ends with Colonel Moon dead, and Bond captured by Moon’s father.
This is where your mute button comes in handy as Madonna’s theme song is one of the worst songs you’re likely to hear in a Bond film. However, as the song plays out, we get to see Bond being tortured for months. So at least the story movies along, despite that bloody song you’ll never get out of your head.
I think about a year goes by, and Bond is freed in exchange for Zao. While he recuperates, 007 finds out M (Judi Dench) suspects he was brainwashed. But he knows he was betrayed, so he escapes the MI6 hospitals and turns to the Chinese for help. They tell Bond Zao is in a clinic in Cuba, and that’s where the action heads next. Of course by Cuba they mean Spain, but whatever.
Up to this point, “Die Another Day” was a decent flick. And if you’ve never seen the movie, this is where I recommend stopping. This where the 20th Bond flick goes from decent, to ridiculous. .
In Cuba we meet Jinx (Halle Berry). as Jinx, And the first time we see her is in a tribute to the first Bond girl, Ursula Andress, in “Dr. No”. In both movies, the woman emerges from the ocean wearing a bikini. But Jinx is a new kind of Bond girl. She’s not simply decoration, but a competent and deadly agent in her own right. Well, at least for part of the movie.
Oh yeah, The next day Bond finds Zao at the gene therapy clinic, they fight, and Zao gets away in a helicopter. It just so happens jinx is also after Zao, and when she sees him heading for the chopper, she pulls out a giant gun and starts shooting, missing Zao every time. Two guards corner Jinx, so she strips down to a bikini, and dives backwards off the cliff in one of the most pathetic green screen special effects you will ever see.
We’re more than halfway thru the film, and we still haven’t met the lead villain, Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens). Graves is your standard-issue world-dominating Bond villain. The type of bad guy that worked in the sixties, but in 2002, not so much.
007 meets Graves at his fencing club where we’re also introduced to a woman named Verity. Her back is facing the came, and when she turns around, everyone in the audience is horrified to see she’s played by Madonna.
Then Graves and Bond turn a fencing match into ann all out brawl. They’re clearly trying to kill each other, why we don’t know. After all, they just met. So what is the deal with Gustac Graves? He apparently discovered some diamonds and hit it big. Now he’s created a space mirror called Icarus that can reflect sunlight anywhere on earth. Again, this would have worked in the Sean Connery era, in 2002, not so much.
At the fencing club we also meet Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike), Grave’s personal assistant and an Olympic fencing champion. And as it turns out, an MI6 agent. But Graves doesn’t know that. Or does he?
Rosamund Pike is a talented actress, and she could have been a wonderful Bond girl, in the right movie.
With James Bond back in London, M decides its wise to reinstate his double 0 status. Now come a bunch of shameless references to the previous 19 films. Bond follows Q into a room where he passes by the alligator suit from “Octopussy,” the jetpack from “Thunderball,” and one of S.P.E.C.T.R.E.’s knife shoes from “From Russia With Love.” I’m sure if you look closely, you can see many more gizmos from the days of future past.
To end the Q sequence, the gadget guru introduces Bond to his new car, an Aston Martin Vanquish This being an anniversary movie, its only fitting Bond is back in Aston Martin. Unfortunately, the 2002 model can turn invisible. For the record, I’ve seen every other film in the series, and this was the first time that a gadget actually made me say “You gotta be kidding.”
Gustav’s diamond operation is housed in an ice building in Iceland; which of course he eventually melts with his giant mirror, trapping Jinx. But before that, Zao shows up at Graves’ ice palace, where Graves is using a psychedelic face mask thingy. Graves tells Zao he needs the “dream machine” to keep his sanity, since his insomnia is permanent after the DNA replacement operation. You may have guessed, although you may not believe it, but it turns out that Graves is actually Colonel Moon.
Somewhere else in the palace, Jinx drops into a greenhouse on a wire, like the ninjas from “You Only Live Twice.” She’s captured by Zao, and is tied down to a table where lasers are about to dissect her. You know, like in “Goldfinger.” This bit also gives us some A+ dialogue like:
Zao: Who sent you?
Jinx: Yo mamma. And she told me to tell you she’s really disappointed in you.
Meanwhile back in his room, Bond is having some fun with Miranda Frost, who he now knows ia a member of MI6. The next morning Bond fights some dude named Mr. kill while Jinx spins around on her laser bed. Wen he sees the dream machine, Bond puts two and two together. He sends jinx after Miranda then confronts Graves. They do the usual “this my plan Mr. Bond” scene, before Graves reveals that Miranda is the one who betrayed Bond in the beginning of the film. Graves got Miranda to turn on Britain by fixing the match where she won her gold medal. If you ask me, MI6 has a terrible screening process.
Bond escapes in Grave’s skimmer, but Graves fires up Icarus and Bond soon finds himself with a huge solar beam on his tail. Bond is now headed for the edge of a CGI glacier. so he uses the skimmer’s CGI grappling hook, which finds a catch on the ice just as the now CGI skimmer goes over the CGI edge. The rope stops the skimmer and slams it against the side of glacier. As he hangs there, Bond rips off the skimmer’s back cover and pulls out its parachute.
Just as the glacier melts around him, Bond gets himself together and windsurfs his way out of this jam. Now, I’m not anti-CGI, but if you’re gonna use it in a Bond movie, it better be the greatest CGI ever seen. And not something that looks like a cheap video game.
Bond makes his way back to the ice palace to look for Jinx, but not before a long car chase on a frozen lake. this is one of the few action sequences in the movie which I don’t mind. The chase ends with 007 killing Zao and saving Jinx. Now working together, the two agents head to the U.S. Command Bunker, De-Militarised Zone in South Korea.
When they learn Graves is mobilizing an army to invade the south, the two parachute into North Korea and stowaway in Grave’s jumbo jet. This jet is the size of the Smithsonian, and can hold about a dozen sports cars, a museum of weapons, and much, much more.
On the plane Graves is now wearing a really strange rubber suit that includes shocking gloves. The suit now controls Icarus, or the nearest microwave oven. Graves kills his father General moon, and uses Icarus to destroy the minefield between North and South Korea. Meanwhile Jinx battles Miranda to the death, and Bond starts his epic fight with Graves.
The fight between the two men goes back and forth until Graves gets the upper hand, and has Bond completely at his mercy. As Graves prepares to throw Bond out of the plane, he tells him, “Time to face destiny.” Bond pulls a parachute’s ripcord and tells Graves “Time to face gravity.” Then Graves gets sucked into the plane’s engine, never to be seen again.
Bond finds Jinx who, “Looks like we’re going down together!” the two head to the cargo bay where Jinx opens the loading doors. As the sports cars plummet to their demise, Bond and Jinx get into a previously unseen helicopter that drops out of the back of the plane, just like the jeep in 1987;s “The Living Daylights.” But the dynamic duo is not out of trouble yet, as neither can get the helicopter started. But they do at the last second, because this is a Bond movie after all.
“Die Another Day” was directed by Lee Tamahori who should never again helm an action movie. “Die Another Day” is an utterly absurd piece of filmmaking, and its a sad end for the Pierce Brosnan era.