A Life of Neurodivergence: What We Thought About Paris Hilton Was All Wrong

When a close friend became a U.S. citizen this year, I crafted him a gift bag curated with the best of Americana: a Waffle House gift card, Elvis Presley-shaped air fresheners, and a sticker that boldly proclaims “God Bless Texas” (as if Texas hasn’t been sufficiently blessed already). Most items I chose were tacky, all were tongue-in-cheek, and gathered together they conveyed the message “Hey! You’re one of us now. You now get to poke-fun and laugh at our culture the way that only someone who deeply loves this country can”.

I thought I found the showstopper of my bawdy gift basket after typing the terms “celebrity culture” and “reality television” into Amazon. The first item that appeared was a 2023 memoir by Paris Hilton aptly titled Paris: The Memoir (11:11 Media, Harper Collins). I laughed when I saw the hot pink cover and thought “What’s more kitsch than someone who has lived their entire adult life in the public eye publishing a memoir as if the public didn’t know anything about them at all?”

I may have laughed while adding Paris: The Memoir to my online shopping cart. But, it turned out the joke was on me.

Neurodiversity: Through the Lenses of Expectation & Judgement

My colleague Ranga Jayaraman often talks about the human tendency to view others through the lenses of expectation and judgement. Doing so not only limits our perspective, but it can stress our relationships, reduce our empathy, and cause us to miss opportunities to genuinely connect with others due to our unfair stereotypes. In our work together, we routinely see how these lenses are falsely applied to neurodivergent individuals with conditions like autism, dyslexia, or ADHD.

Like most Americans, I thought I knew Paris Hilton. Yet, it isn’t until Page 231 of Paris: The Memoir that the Paris Hilton that America knows best (the life lived for more than two decades in front of tabloids, reality tv, and the public eye) even shows up. Instead, Hilton uses most of her memoir to discuss how growing up as an undiagnosed and misunderstood neurodivergent child (ADHD) limited her educational opportunities, led to abuse by those seeking to "fix" her, and ultimately created the persona that the public is most familiar with (along with her strong business savvy that almost all of us know nothing about).

In Paris: The Memoir, Hilton addresses how neurodivergent children (especially girls) are often viewed through the lenses of judgement and expectations.

"[As a child] no one ever said, 'Relax, little girl. There are many kinds of intelligence'," writes Hilton. "Instead, people told me I was dumb, bratty, careless, ungrateful, or not applying myself. And none of that was true."

Hilton threads the story of her ADHD throughout her memoir. Like many neurodivergent individuals, Hilton wasn't diagnosed until she was an adult - and once diagnosed it still took years for her to accept herself as a neurodivergent person, and still more time to develop a mindset around her ADHD that allows her to thrive as she does today.

And like many neurodivergent individuals, it turns out that Hilton's childhood was full of trauma. In Paris: The Memoir, Hilton discusses how her natural ADHD behaviors (like the need for stimulation, stimming, and a focused interests) were misinterpreted by others. She also writes about how traditional schooling fails to understand and accommodate how brains like hers naturally learn. In her memoir, Hilton demonstrates how the judgement and expectations which others applied to her neurodivergent traits led her to be misunderstood, shunned, and bullied. That inaccurate frame ultimately cycled her through reform schools, confined her to congregate care facilities, and sent Hilton to behavior modification programs where she suffered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

The Past is Prologue

When the copy of Paris: The Memoir arrived in the mail, my curiosity prompted me to thumb through it before placing it in the gift bag that I was crafting for my friend. My expectations of Hilton did not prepare me for a prologue which began like this:

"Dr. Edward Hallowell, author of Driven to Distraction, says the ADHD brain is like a Ferrari with bicycle brakes; powerful but difficult to control. My ADHD brain makes me lose my phone, but it also makes me who I am, so if I'm going to love my life, I have to love my ADHD".

What follows in Hilton's prologue is a discussion of evolutionary biology, the role ADHD plays in shaping society, mentions of historical and contemporary figures with ADHD, challenges ADHD people face, strengths associated with the neurodivergent condition, how neurotypical and neurodivergent people can strengthen the relationships between them, and how those with ADHD can learn how to thrive.

In short: Hilton uses her prologue to say (paraphrasing) "Generation after generation we have been misjudging neurodivergent people. I'm going to use this memoir and my own story as an illustration of that fact in hopes that we can now get it right".

To be clear, the prologue of Hilton's biography is filled with the expectations you have of Hilton (which Hilton seems to knowingly play into). There's mentions of Kim Kardashian, the importance of skin care, selfies, her multiple pets, and many (many) uses of the word "F---". Readers above a certain age may have difficulty wading through it (in reading the prologue, I had to text a friend to ask "Can you tell me, again, who is Zendaya?").

Yet, reading Hilton's prologue reminded me of the electricity I felt as a middle school student while reading the works of Zora Neal Hurston (a sentence which I never thought I'd write). Where Hurston broke apart the literary rules by writing sentences phonetically, Hilton heavily employs run-on sentences, nonsequential paragraphs, and an unconventional thought structure that is deliciously and unabashedly very ADHD.

In finishing the prologue, I couldn't help think "I have never read a text written in the manner that an ADHD brain naturally thinks". Although Hilton never uses the term 'neurodiversity', I found the prologue of Paris: The Memoir to be one of the most beautiful expressions of ADHD thinking and communication that I've recently seen. To use Hilton's famous catchphrase: that's hot.

Neurodiversity: Through the Lenses of Compassion & Curiosity

Just as my colleague Ranga talks about the human tendency to view others through the lenses of expectation and judgement, he also presses his audiences to replace those lenses with ones of compassion and curiosity. Viewing others through those lenses is what allows us to understand the other person, increase our empathy, and deepen our connections with those around us.

To be fair, the celebrity memoir is often an exercise in public relations rather than mere truth telling. I'm sure Hilton employs a bit of that here. But, even if I were to take the most skeptical perspective while reading Hilton's memoir, I'd still be left with the feeling that we - as a public - had failed to apply the compassion and curiosity needed to truly understand who she really is.

It's amazing how applying these lenses (compassion and curiosity) to Hilton melts away the popular image constructed from decade's of our public expectations and judgement. Even the most prominent and successful individuals, in the end, are people too.

Hilton is a woman who has lived her entire adult life in the public eye, yet she remains a person whom the public barely knows. This, of course, isn't just because of her neurodivergence, but her neurodifferences are a large part as to why.

When it comes to neurodivergent people, society tends to view us from a neurotypical perspective - and then additionally through the lenses of expectation and judgement. Even as a neurodivergent person myself, reading Paris: The Memoir made me realize that I too had viewed the businesswoman, influencer, heiress, model, advocate, actress, influencer, DJ, podcaster, producer, and author from that same frame.

A week ago, I would not have thought I'd be writing a thought piece on Paris: The Memoir. But, that was before Hilton and her memoir actually made me think. We all would do well to stop and think before viewing others through the lenses of expectation and judgement. It benefits everyone to instead pick up the lenses of compassion and curiosity which can allow us to see others for who they truly are.

John Marble is the founder of Pivot Neurodiversity and is a training partner and classroom instructor with Neurodiversity Pathways. 

He is autistic.