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As a general rule of thumb, I try not to make a habit of sticking my nose in other people’s business—especially when it comes to their love lives. But sometimes powerful experiences encourage you to break your own rules. And so I come to you (you being anyone who is currently engaged) with an unsolicited suggestion: take your honeymoon before the wedding.
It might sound a little strange, but it’s exactly what my fiancé and I did earlier this summer. Not intentionally, at first. But once we began piecing together our overseas trip, we realized we were inadvertently orchestrating a honeymoon—and the way we approached the vacation quickly pivoted. I loathe this word, but we were more mindful about treating it as an opportunity to grow closer before our wedding. And to the surprise of my inner skeptic, it worked.
When given the green light to write about this, I scoured posts and picked brains to find out if other betrotheds had partaken in similar breaks from tradition. My findings: I don’t think most people are calling them pre-wedding honeymoons (that’s the writer in me feverishly attempting to ‘coin’ something), but in 2017 there was a brief flurry of articles declaring the ‘earlymoon’ a rising trend (admittedly less clunky than ‘pre-wedding honeymoon’). Pippa Middleton going to St. Barts with her now-husband before their nuptials seems to have had a hand in that, but as many internet trends do, the ‘earlymoon’ craze fizzled out. That’s not to say couples aren’t taking them, just that the concept remains niche in the landscape of wedding events.
“It’s not something I’ve seen a lot of personally because for a lot of people, by that time in the planning process, it can start to feel like your bank account is running on fumes,” Over the Moon founder Alexandra Macon says. Fair point. If money weren’t an issue, we’d all be going on honeymoons before and after the wedding, but budgets loom and PTO is limited. Such is life.
I’m a freelance journalist, which should give you a decent hint at which tax bracket I fall into, but it does mean my schedule is flexible. I was already going to be in Europe for a work trip to check out a new river cruise in the south of France, so I drained my Delta SkyMiles account to get my fiancé over there with me without dipping into our wedding budget. Once the ship made its final docking in Lyon, we’d be off: to Paris, Santorini, Kefalonia, and then Athens.
Speaking with Black Tomato founder Tom Marchant, we quickly turned to discussing the art of truly savoring an experience—and how, as humans, it’s easier to dwell on that which upsets us (a canceled flight, perhaps) rather than the good things right in front of us. (Tom and I had recently tuned into the same Hidden Brain episode with psychologist Fred Bryant, we quickly realized.) “Traveling right after a wedding can be frantic with all of the buzz and emotions running on high, so a pre-honeymoon can sort of strip away the noise from that and allow more meaningful time with each other, which is ultimately what it is all about,” he said.
Savoring the moment did indeed end up being the theme of our vacation. In the months leading up to the earlymoon, my partner unexpectedly lost one of his best friends to a heart attack, which seasoned the mood of the trip with a flavor of grief. But also gratitude. Gratitude for the time together, gratitude for the ability to take the time at all. Because while I have every intention of making it to our August 10, 2024 wedding date, the truth is—not to go full Sylvia Plath here—there are no promises in life. The takeaway was to not get caught up in the planning of a wedding and forget to savor how joyful it is to be engaged in the first place.
For the more analytical of you out there, one strictly logistical reason to opt for an earlymoon was timing. “The best season for a couple’s dream honeymoon might not match up to their wedding date, so having the flexibility to travel when it’s ideal for that destination is a big selling point,” Cartology Travel CEO Kathy Boate tells me, noting she’s had clients approach her travel experts seeking earlymoon trips. The same goes for Marchant. “There’s less pressure to pick a location post-wedding that feels like it has to be driven by the seasonality of the destination,” he says, adding that this kind of pre-nuptial travel can inspire choosing a more ambitious destination. “It’s often more layered and complex, from a planning point of view.”
So why not just take your honeymoon a few months after your wedding? Two possible reasons. First, the amount of friends and family I know who said they were going to take a honeymoon “down the line” but never actually did is… quite a lot (zero judgment, life gets in the way). Second, anticipation is a powerful emotion. The moments before something happens—in this case, marriage—are often more visceral than after. At least I think so. Obviously, we don’t get married just so we can go on a honeymoon (we do it for the tax deduction!), but if we’re arguing which kind of honeymoon—pre or post—might elicit the most enthusiasm, I’m rooting for the former.
As for how we chose to do it? My fiancé and I kicked it off at Saint James Paris, a hotel housed within a 19th-century chateau that I absolutely did not leave for the entirety of our one-night stay, it’s that perfect. Next was Santorini. Neither of us had been and we figured why not lean into honeymoon stereotypes and visit one of the most overdone destinations of them all? As it happens, there’s a reason people go here—Santorini is fantastic. And romantic! (We stayed at Vedema in the village of Megalochori and Andronis Arcadia in Oia, which I both wholeheartedly endorse.) We sunbathed on a black sand beach, tasted Assyrtiko at Gaia Wines, watched every sunset (the best being at Varoulko), enjoyed a couples massage, jumped off rocks together into the turquoise Aegean Sea, ate freshly caught octopus and seafood tasting menus, and ended each day utterly satisfied. It was, if you’ll permit me, life-changing.
“One benefit of traveling before is to remind you why you’re getting married in the first place,” psychotherapist and Holistic Psychotherapy NYC co-owner Sarah Spitz (LCSW) says. “By identifying the nature of the couple’s relationship and what makes them special to one another, they can then focus on curating a trip that reflects that (e.g. they love being in nature, they love historical sites, they love trying new restaurants).” My fiancé and I share a strong affinity for outdoor adventure and for road trips. And because I’m really working on also sharing his passion for snorkeling (but the sharks!), we combined all of these interests into our next leg of the journey in Kefalonia, where we stayed in an outrageously romantic, highly cinematic cliffside villa found via The Thinking Traveller.
Next and last was a jaunt to the ancient city of Athens, where we settled into the trendy Psirri neighborhood; two nights at the newly-opened Apollo Palm and two more at Mona. At the risk of sounding like a student who just returned from a semester abroad, Athens is the kind of city that makes you think hard about your life and where you fit into the timeline of humanity. It’s also, as I learned, a great city for appreciating your loved one. “Seeing something through their eyes can give you a new appreciation or understanding of an experience and your partner,” Spitz says. That resonates. I have about 56 photos on my phone of my partner gazing up at the Temple of Hephaestus, not of the 2,400-year-old structure itself. Why? Because it’s so much better to watch someone you love look at something ineffably beautiful for the very first time.
The point of a pre-wedding honeymoon isn’t that it be expensive or far-flung, it just has to be sentimental. Mine was certainly over the top by some standards, but that wasn’t the point. “Whether it’s a low-key weekend at a bed and breakfast or a staycation in your favorite hotel, it should be a quiet moment to reflect on the meaning of the commitment you are making, which can sometimes get lost in the chaos of a busy wedding weekend,” Macon says.
Sure, deciding whether to follow my lead isn’t going to alter the trajectory of your marriage. You can plan an earlymoon. You can head straight for the airport from the wedding if it makes you happy. Hell, invite your friends and family on your honeymoon (I have a friend who did this last year, it looked fun). But what many of us dislike about the wedding industry are the antiquated traditions that society keeps doing solely for the sake of doing them. So, when planning your honeymoon perhaps simply ask yourself: which route will allow me and my partner to best savor this experience?