How to Overcome Your Partner's Pornography Use

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: October 11, 2022 References

Pornography is an enjoyable erotic outlet for many people, but it can be a painful, destructive issue in some relationships. While your partner's porn use may bother you, it is important to distinguish between a serious problem and a minor annoyance. Take some time to think about your partner's porn use and decide if it is worth addressing. If your partner's porn use is normal, then you may want to consider working on accepting it as part of your partner's interests. If your partner's pornography use is affecting your relationship in a negative way, then it is important to communicate with your partner and practice self-care to minimize the emotional damage done to you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Examining Your Partner’s Pornography Usage

1
Determine if your partner’s pornography use is normal. Many people, male and female, use porn on a regular basis. In fact, some studies have shown male porn use as high as 99% and female porn use as high as 86%. Porn has also been studied for its effects on relationships, and in some cases it can be beneficial. However, porn use can also lead to lowered sexual satisfaction for men and women in some situations. It can even affect your self-esteem if you feel that your partner’s porn use bother’s you.^{[1]
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- Consider your partner’s pornography use to determine if it is causing problems in your relationship. Try to pinpoint what these problems are. For example, has it affected your intimacy with your partner? Has it affected your self-esteem? Do you feel less connected with your partner as a result of the porn use?
- Note all of the other reasons why you feel that your partner’s porn use is a problem as well. For example, is your partner spending too much money on porn? Are you afraid the kids will find it? Does it make you feel disrespected? Identify all of the reasons why you are bothered by your partner’s porn use.
2
Explain your feelings. Tell your partner how their behavior makes you feel and why their pornography use bothers you. Have honest discussions about what your expectations are, what you are comfortable with, and what you will not tolerate.^{[2]
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- It is important for your partner to know what your boundaries are and what you expect from them so that they can work to improve the situation and give you what you need while also dealing with their problem.
- Try saying something like, “Your pornography use makes me feel like I am not enough to satisfy you sexually or emotionally. I should not have to feel like this in the context of our relationship. So I would like for you to consider my feelings and to decide to change the situation.”
3
Ask your partner to take a break from porn. If your partner’s use of porn is not normal or if it is affecting your relationship in a negative way, then you might ask your partner to take a break from porn. Ask if your partner is willing to try to quit using pornography or to at least cut back for a while.
- The idea of quitting cold turkey might be hard for your partner to handle, so try suggesting that they just take a break instead. Maybe they could try to go for one month, or even just one week, without watching porn. This will make the change less intimidating because it is only for a finite period of time, not forever.
- Try saying, “I think it would be a step in the right direction if you just tried taking a break from porn. You don’t have to quit cold turkey. How about we just try to quit for one whole week? It would really mean a lot to me.”
Although your partner’s porn use might bother you, if it is not excessive and it is not causing problems in your relationship, then it might just be something you will need to get used to. Porn might be a healthy outlet for your partner, as it is for many people, so you may want to work towards acceptance if porn is something that makes your partner happy.^{[3]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Finding Ways to Help Your Partner Cut Back

1
Discuss ways to help your partner cut back. If your partner agrees that their porn use is problematic, then you may want to discuss some measures that might help make it easier for them to cut back. Talk to your partner about what would be the most helpful to them.
- Try saying something like, "I want to help in any way that I can. What do you think would make it easier for you to cut back on your porn use?"
- Avoid going behind your partner's back and cutting off their access to porn or deleting their porn. This is likely to lead to arguments and it can also damage the trust between you.
2
Install porn blockers on your internet. Giving up an addiction is a hard thing, so it can be helpful to add safety net features that will help make the transition easier by eliminating some temptations. Most people need the internet for work or other reasons in their daily lives, so it might not be feasible for them to give up the internet altogether. Instead, you could ask your partner if installing porn blocking software on their computer might help remove some of the temptation.
- Some porn blockers are designed specifically for people who suffer from pornography addiction and allow one partner to monitor their partner’s online activity and check it remotely from their phone or another computer. The program can even send a text message to the partner if the program’s rules are broken.
3
Downgrade your partner to a “dumb” phone. Many people use their smartphones to look at pornography, so downgrading your partner to a phone that has no internet capabilities might be a good idea to help them reduce their porn usage. Ask if your partner would find this helpful.
- Your partner can probably get by with a phone that is only capable of calling and texting for a few months while they handle their pornography problem.
4
Help distract your partner. When your partner has the urge to look at pornography, help distract them in whatever ways possible. Just like with any other kind of addiction, it is important to take your mind off of the thing whenever you feel a craving.^{[4]
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- You could go for a walk together every time your partner has the urge. Or you could watch a movie together.
- You could even try engaging in sexual behavior together whenever your partner feels the urge to help them overcome the feeling and readjust to a normal, healthy expectation of sex.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Helping Your Partner Overcome an Addiction to Porn

1
Exercise kindness and understanding. Your partner’s pornography use probably has a negative impact on you. It might even make you feel bad about yourself from time to time. However, it is important to remember that your partner is struggling with a problem and that they don’t mean to hurt you. Remember, this is not your fault.
- Show as much kindness to your partner as possible because they are struggling through this as well.
- Try saying something like, “I know that this is hard for you and I appreciate your willingness to try to work on it for our relationship. It means a lot to me.”
2
Keep the lines of communication open. While your partner is going through this struggle, it is important to let them feel like they can talk to you. You are the person they are closest with and they will need your support to overcome this. Make yourself available to discuss any problems or struggles they may be having.^{[5]
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- Try saying something like, “I want you to know that I am here for you and I am here if you ever want to talk about this stuff.”
- You can also try to communicate with each other about your sexual thoughts – including sexual fantasies and desires. Talking about these things might help your partner realign their ideas on sex.
- Make sure you choose the right time and place to discuss these issues – like when you are home alone together. It might not be a good idea to bring this conversation up at dinner in a crowded restaurant or while you are on vacation with your family.
3
Establish accountability measures. It is important to keep your partner accountable for their behavior during this time while they are trying to change. Have them check in with you about their thoughts and behaviors every day to see how they are progressing. Or have them write their thoughts down in a daily journal so they can reflect back on their progress.
- The main thing to remember is that your partner needs to be honest about what is going on with their behavior and how they want to change.
4
Seek professional help. If your partner doesn’t seem to be able to change their behavior on their own, it might be time to enlist some professional help. Try going to counseling together or individually – whatever seems to work for your specific situation.^{[6]
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- Spend some time finding the right counselor. It is important that your partner feel comfortable with whatever counselor you choose.
- Your counselor may also suggest some other measures to take like a 12 step program to help your partner overcome their addiction.
- You can also help your partner find support groups for their porn addiction.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Taking Care of Yourself

1
Don't blame yourself. One of the first mistakes people often make when they discover their spouse's pornography usage is to wrongfully blame themselves for it. Remember however, that it is absolutely not your fault.
- Pornography addiction is a process that usually starts earlier in a person's life, so odds are, your spouse/partner has been having this problem long before he/she met you.
2
Avoid comparisons. Don't compare yourself to the images and videos you spouse/partner is watching. Again, the reason for your spouse's addiction is not you. You are not the cause of your partner’s porn addiction.
- Pornography addiction is about fantasy. Comparing yourself to these images and acts of fantasy is completely unproductive and damaging because real life people can’t possibly exhibit the same traits as something that exists in a fantasy world.
3
Meet your own needs. When your partner is suffering from an addiction, it is often easy to overlook your own physical and emotional needs while you help them through their problem. However, it is important to take care of yourself during this emotionally and physically exhausting time as well.
- Make sure you are eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, and maintaining some sort of physical exercise regimen.
- You could also look into meditation to help you cope with the struggles of dealing with your partner’s pornography use.
4
Find a support system. It is important for you to have people in your life who love and support you during this difficult time. You will need to discuss your feelings with someone other than your partner. This will be a difficult struggle for your partner, so you need someone else to support you during this time that your partner can’t.
- Your support system could be made up of friends, family members, or even church group members. You just need people who care and who will listen and help you.
5
Spend time having fun. This can be a very stressful time for you, so try to take care of yourself by allowing yourself a break from the stress to enjoy some simple fun. It’s important for you to let yourself relax and let go of the stress of your situation so that you can be more present when your partner needs your help.
- Go out with your friends for a night on the town or take yourself to a movie. Do something you enjoy that will make you feel better.
6
Follow your heart. If the partner does not show sincerity in getting rid of the problem, you'll have to ask yourself the hard questions. You can only truly heal when you can be completely honest with yourself. Ask yourself questions like:
- Is this relationship worth it for me?
- Can I fight this battle without compromising my health and my outlook in life?
- Am I willing to help my partner despite their non-sincerity?
- Can I maintain my sanity during this ordeal?
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